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I thought it would be helpful to post a list of the books and other resources I most frequently refer my clients to.

Books:

8 Keys to Parenting Children with ADHD by Cindy Goldrich (2015). Excellent “instruction manual” for how to parent children with ADHD including behavior management strategies. Author available for consultations.

Bright Kids Who Can’t Keep Up by Ellen Braaten and Brian Willoughby (2014). How slow processing speed impacts students and what can (and can’t) be done to help.

Executive Skills in Children and Adolescents by Peg Dawson and Richard Guare (2004). This is a manual – a “how-to” guide with specific interventions to be implemented at home and/or school for executive function weaknesses. I used this guide to help my son get through high school.

Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults: ADHD, bipolar, OCD, Asperger’s, depression, and other disorders, by James T. Webb, et al. (2005). In my view a bit extreme in suggesting that many behaviors characteristic of disability are actually just signs of giftedness, though I agree that does sometimes occur. I find that more often giftedness and disability coexist and that giftedness alone is not always (or even often) associated with dysfunction.

Overcoming Dyslexia by Sally Shaywitz (2003). Primarily about how to properly remediate reading problems but also specifically addresses challenges faced by bright dyslexics (Shaywitz is at Yale so discusses and works with students there).

The ADHD Explosion by Stephen P. Hinshaw and Richard Scheffle (2014). Chapters on the causes of ADHD (where biology meets culture) and diagnosing and treating ADHD are well worth the cost of the book. Much of the rest delves into social and educational policy issues. Anything by Stephen Hinshaw (one of my mentors at Berkeley) is recommended.

The Dyslexia Empowerment Plan by Ben Foss (2013). Focuses on strengths associated with dyslexia, explains assistive technology, and argues in favor of “reading” by listening rather than scanning text with one’s eyes. My son has taught himself to listen at 3x normal speed and says it is a “game changer” for him.

The Dyslexic Advantage by Brock and Fernette Eide (2011). Focuses on identifying the 4 main strengths associated with dyslexia. Powerful reading for adult dyslexics as well as parents. I give a copy to any parent of a dyslexic child who thinks they, too, might  be dyslexic. The book launched a foundation and website listed below.

The Mislabeled Child: How understanding your child’s unique learning style can open the door to success by Brock and Fernette Eide (2006). Covers misdiagnosis  and has chapters on different issues including communication challenges, ADHD, dysgraphia, dyslexia, and giftedness.

Websites, Facebook, and Other Resources:

2e Twice-Exceptional Newsletter. 2e Newsletter. An online bimonthly publication dedicated to understanding twice exceptional children. Modest fee for  online subscription. I think it’s well worth it.

Davidson Institute. Davidson Young Scholars. Non-profit providing free counseling to families of exceptionally gifted students accepted as Davidson Young Scholars. Many of my clients find the counseling to be very helpful.

Devon MacEachron, PhD. www.drdevon.com. That’s me! 2e assessment and educational advising. Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/2Egifted/. Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/2egifted.

Dyslexic Advantage. Dyslexic Advantage Foundation. Focused on uncovering and celebrating the strengths associated with dyslexia. Testimonials, famous people, advice, assistive technology, etc. Premium membership gives access to a wonderful magazine and other resources.

Hoagies Gifted Website. Hoagies . Huge resource on giftedness and 2e with a plethora of articles, chat groups, blogs, etc.  Hoagies Gifted Discussion Group is a related Facebook group with 4,835 members you must apply to participate in.

Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth. CTY. Students testing as highly gifted in math or verbal qualify for their summer camps, online courses, family vacations, and day programs. The programs are not inexpensive, but they are phenomenal and can change a child’s life.

National Association for Gifted Children. NAGC. National advocacy group, posts articles, position papers, annual conference, offers Parenting for High Potential magazine, program and camp lists.

Parents of Twice Exceptional Children (2E): Closed Facebook group with 7,762 members you must apply to join. Active discussion with responses from parents in similar situations.

Raising Poppies: Closed Facebook group with 13,279 members you must apply to join focused on issues raising gifted children.

TilT Parenting: www.tiltparenting.com. Features a weekly podcast focused on parenting 2e learners, referred to positively as “differently wired” kids, in the TilT manifesto.

Intelligence is multifaceted. When people tell me they want to know their IQ, I feel like asking: “In what area?” There are many different cognitive abilities and they have different impacts on what one is trying to accomplish. That’s why I approach the assessment of a person’s abilities from the perspective of the Cattell-Horn-Carroll (CHC) model which is, in effect, an inventory of “the intelligences.” It’s the most comprehensive and empirically supported theory of the structure of cognitive abilities to date, reflecting 70 years of research. About 80 different abilities are defined, with 20-25 of these playing important roles in school learning.

What I’d like to talk about today is the future and the role fluid intelligence might have in it. In the CHC model there are basically two main groupings of abilities that represent higher-order reasoning: crystallized intelligence and fluid intelligence. They can be traced to two separate brain systems. Crystallized intelligence is a function of brain regions that involve the storage and usage of long-term memories, such as the hippocampus. Fluid intelligence involves the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, the anterior cingulate cortex, and other systems related to attention and short-term memory.

Crystallized Intelligence is the ability to use learned knowledge and experience. It’s not the same thing as memory, but it does rely on accessing information from long-term memory (learning that has become “crystallized”). Crystallized intelligence encompasses vocabulary, depth and breadth of general knowledge, the ability to listen to and understand oral communications, knowledge of grammar, and the like. It is the product of educational and cultural experience. When you meet someone who has a large vocabulary, knows a lot of facts, is a Crossword puzzle or Scrabble master, and is a voracious reader, you can be pretty sure they have strong crystallized intelligence. People who have strong crystallized intelligence tend to sound really smart and they tend to do well in school.

In contrast, Fluid Intelligence is the capacity to reason and solve novel problems, independent of any knowledge from the past. It involves drawing inferences, concept formation, classification, generating and testing hypothesis, identifying relations, comprehending implications, problem solving, extrapolating, and transforming information. Fluid reasoning encompasses inductive reasoning, deductive reasoning, and quantitative reasoning. Sherlock-Holmes kind of thinking. When you meet someone who has strong fluid reasoning you may not have any idea how smart they are until you throw a problem at them that needs solving. People who have strong fluid intelligence don’t necessarily excel in school, especially in the lower grade levels. If they make it to the PhD-level they may have trouble memorizing all the information they need to pass their oral exams. But boy can they defend their dissertation!

Some of the children I work with are strong in both areas. Others are strong in one or the other, but not both. The ones with strong crystallized intelligence tend to do well in school, as so much of school (the way it is structured today) is about learning facts and procedures. The ones with strong fluid intelligence may be so busy questioning the assumptions that they don’t learn the rules and procedures their classmates do. They may resist authority and question the value of what’s taught in school.

The Future: Our world is changing very rapidly. I know people have often said that about the times they live in, but it’s more true now than ever before. The pace of innovation and disruption is accelerating. As a society we are facing all kinds of novel problems to which we have no learned solutions, from political changes to global warming to the potential dangers of artificial intelligence. By 2020, the Fourth Industrial Revolution will have brought us advanced robotics and autonomous transport, artificial intelligence and machine learning, advanced materials, biotechnology and genomics. I wonder: What kind of brains will our children need to work in that kind of environment?

Now I’m going to enter into an area of conjecture and hypothesis, as I can find very little research literature on the topic. I guess I’m tapping into my own fluid intelligence.

I think the minds that will be best-suited to solving the world’s problems in the future are those with strengths in fluid intelligence. I believe that individuals who rely on crystallized intelligence may look to the past and rely too much on book learning and facts and procedures. In contrast, individuals who rely on fluid intelligence will be able to think on their feet around something totally unfamiliar, and be comfortable with the kind of complexity, uncertainty, and ambiguity we’re facing. They will be flexible and fluid thinkers who like challenging the assumptions and thinking outside the box. Because many aspects of crystallized intelligence (e.g. stores of knowledge) can be easily accessed with a quick swipe on our phone, they may not be hampered by having weaker crystallized intelligence.

I feel a shift in the kind of intelligence we need for the future necessitates changes in the way we teach children. We’re teaching 19th century skills in our 21st century schools. To teach 21st and 22nd century skills will require a move away from the teaching of standard procedures and rote memorization toward creative problem-solving and how to tap into inductive and deductive reasoning processes. Intelligence is not fixed – it’s malleable. That’s what having a “growth mentality” is all about. So I’d like to see schools, parents, employers, and others focus more on the benefits of enhancing human fluid intelligence. After all, machines can probably do crystallized intelligence a lot better than we can anyway.

The frequency of misdiagnosis, especially of gifted and twice exceptional students, is one of the reasons I decided to go into the field of assessment as a specialist in these populations. Too many families go to the trouble and expense of having an assessment conducted only to be given incorrect or incomplete information about their child. I have been through this myself as a parent. And I have seen it time and time again among the families I work with. Misdiagnosis can create lasting damage, derail children’s educations, and result in worried days and sleepless nights for children and parents.

Why does this happen? Here are the top ten reasons  gifted and twice exceptional children are misdiagnosed:

1. Hidden abilities and weaknesses: Most gifted and twice-exceptional learners have complex profiles with unique patterns of strengths and weakness. Their strengths often camouflage the expression of their weaknesses (resulting in failure to identify learning difficulties or disabilities) and their weaknesses often camouflage the expression of their strengths (resulting in failure to identify strengths and giftedness). What on the surface may appear to be an average student is often a student with exceptional abilities and exceptional weaknesses “averaging” one another out.

2. “Symptom” confusion: The markers of conditions may appear to overlap. Gifted learners and learners with ADHD both have low tolerance for boredom. Gifted learners and learners with Asperger’s both have a tendency to focus intensely in areas of personal interest. Students with dyslexia may appear to have ADHD if they act distracted or disruptive when its time to read aloud or write.

3. Interaction of the organism (the child) with its environment: Remember gene-environment interaction from high school biology? The influence of the environment on development cannot be overstated. A child who appears to have ADHD in a school where he or she is having to sit through boring classes in which they already know most of the material may not appear to have ADHD at all when placed in a challenging gifted program. And sometimes it is the interaction with a specific teacher that causes the problem. Have you heard the expression “I don’t have a learning disability – my teacher has a teaching disability?”

4. Lack of training in giftedness and twice exceptionality: The psychologist conducting the assessment may not have received much training, if any, in these areas. You may be surprised to learn how little time is spent in most psychology training programs on the assessment of intelligence and learning. Most programs include no training in giftedness or twice exceptionality whatsoever. Furthermore, because many psychologists who conduct assessments work with a broad variety of children and do psychotherapy or other kinds of work in addition to assessment, their knowledge of giftedness and twice exceptionality may not grow much with experience. Some may see only one or two gifted or twice-exceptional students a year. Teachers tend to be equally unfamiliar with the characteristics of these children.

5. “Gifted” is seen as a four letter word: Some kind-hearted people think that it is elitist or unfair to describe or think of a child as gifted because it implies that they are “better than” or “superior” to others. This may be driven by a desire to be inclusive, treat everyone equally, and make people feel good. Strangely, not every child is expected to be equally gifted at sports where it is “allowed” to describe a child as athletically gifted. But it isn’t very “politically correct” to focus attention on intellectual giftedness and really hasn’t been since the 1950’s.

6. Misinterpretation of diagnostic criteria: The criteria psychologists use to make diagnoses are generally taken from the APA’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5). One area of misunderstanding is that psychologists and school staff may be under the impression that a student has to be performing below the average level (e.g. below the 25th percentile) for their age or grade to be diagnosed with a learning disability. This is actually not true. Under “Diagnostic Features” the DSM-5 states: “academic skills are distributed along a continuum, so there is no natural cut point that can be used to differentiate individuals with and without specific learning disorder,” and “specific learning disorder may also occur in individuals identified as intellectually gifted. These individuals may be able to sustain apparently adequate academic functioning by using compensatory strategies…” Thus the code acknowledges that a gifted student may perform at the average, or “apparently adequate” level, yet still have a learning disability. But many school staff and even psychologists haven’t read the fine print.

7. Incomplete, cursory assessment: To do a top-notch assessment requires gathering a lot of background data and test data while applying critical thinking skills, testing hypotheses, and being willing to keep looking until the answers are revealed. While some diagnoses are clear-cut and relatively easy to make, most gifted and twice exceptional learners are harder to figure out. Not every psychologist is eager to dedicate that much energy and time. Time is money. Sometimes parents are the ones hoping for a quick fix to what may actually be a rather complicated problem.

8. Emotions get in the way: Parents may want their child to be diagnosed with a learning disability because it seems more hopeful than being told their child has a general intellectual disability. Or because it explains why they are under-performing despite high ability when the real problem is social, emotional, or family problems. Conversely, they may not want their child to be diagnosed with a disability because they feel it would be stigmatizing. Sometimes the emotions or preconceptions of the psychologist influence them to downplay findings to protect parents and child from disappointment. I’ve seen reports that pussyfoot so timidly around a diagnosis that parents are left mistakenly thinking there was nothing they really need be concerned about. This seems to be particularly common with autism/Asperger’s diagnoses. And ADHD. And emotional and behavioral problems.

9. Not observing and listening to the student: It never ceases to amaze me how much even very young children know about themselves. Of course they may not come right out and say it, but if they are observed carefully and asked the right questions in a welcoming and nurturing environment, amazing insights come out. Perceptive, sensitive gifted learners have finely tuned antennae making them profoundly aware of exactly where they are not doing as well as their peers or as they’d like. All one has to do is observe and ask.

10. Not observing and listening to the parent: Even though few parents have been professionally trained in picking up these kinds of clues, I find that they often are the first to notice something is up – and the most persistent to find solutions. If they raised the issue with their pediatrician they may have been told it was probably developmental and not to worry. If they raised the issue with their child’s teacher they may have been told their child was at grade level and not to worry. But parents are really good at worrying. When they “know” or “feel” something is up, they should trust their instincts. They’re often right.

If I can help you understand your gifted or twice-exceptional student better, schedule a time to talk with me by e-mailing dm@drdevon.com.

I was asked to write an article on this topic for TECA (Twice Exceptional Children’s Advocacy), an online community providing service and program directories and information about advocacy. I decided to enlist the help of Benjamin Meyer, a therapist specializing in young adults with NVLD and Asperger’s in the workforce. Here’s what we wrote:

By Benjamin Meyer, LCSW and Dr. Devon MacEachron, PhD

You did it! Your child has finally received an acceptance letter to a college or university and is beginning his or her first steps toward adult life. All your hard work navigating the treacherous path of diagnosis, remediation, social skills training, OT, PT, gifted programming, IEP’s and 504’s has paid off. You deserve a lot of credit for all that you have done to guide your child through the process, and you certainly deserve to celebrate!

While high school has come to an end, it is important to keep in mind that even after college, your child may face challenges related to their disabilities. These can include identifying and finding a career they enjoy, adapting to the world of employment, making friends with peers, and adult dating. Many young adults with learning differences are unemployed or underemployed due to the more nuanced social and executive functioning demands of the workplace, The National Center for Learning Disabilities reports that only 46 percent of work-age adults with an LD are employed (Cortiella, 2014) . “Failure to launch” has become a national epidemic, with many young people returning home to live with their parents due to challenges with the professional and social demands of adulthood. Your high school grad will be at an advantage if they take a few practical steps while in college to prepare for the “real world”.

Young adults in our practices often identify specific challenges at work related to their learning profiles. The dyslexic who chose engineering or architecture due to his gifted visual-spatial skills may find that slow speed and miscalculations made in math problems hinders his ability to complete tasks efficiently. The ingenious marketing professional with ADHD may experience difficulty organizing her ideas into action plans. The gifted writer with Asperger’s Syndrome or NVLD may struggle to hold regular employment due to difficulties reading their peers’ body language. Young adults who plan in advance for a career or job that will be a good fit for their unique profiles are most likely to be successful transitioning to the world of work.

Finding the Sweet Spot

When deciding on a career, young adults can search for the “sweet spot” where their strengths, interests, and values coincide (see diagram). The blue circle represents strengths. These should include intellectual talents as well as people skills, executive function, willingness to work hard, artistic, musical, and any other abilities. The green circle encompasses interests: sports, outdoor activities, academic subjects – any and all interests the individual may have. Lastly, it is important to identify and “own” the personal values that can impact career satisfaction. These include: how important a flexible work schedule is, how much social interaction is desired at work, the hours one is willing to work, desire for autonomy and independence versus taking direction from a boss, whether one enjoys working on a team, being outdoors versus in an office building, how important a high salary is, how important it is have a high prestige position, whether one wants to be considered an expert or authority, how important it is to feel one is helping others or making the world a better place. Values go in the yellow circle. By identifying the key factors that influence career success and happiness, young adults can begin to see which careers might fall within their “sweet spot.”

Acknowledging and Factoring in Areas of Challenge

While students are searching for their “sweet spot,” they will also benefit from being honest with themselves about their challenges. There are certain skills that are important in practically any job. Relating to colleagues, keeping your emotions in check, taking initiative, and having an organizational system are a few of them. There are also specific skills required in different fields, e.g. math skills for an actuary or writing skills for a journalist. If the student feels they have a weakness in an area important to a career they feel they would like to pursue, they can work on developing those skills while still in college. For example, they might learn to create an organizational system with a coach or work with a therapist on professional social skills. The student will also benefit from consulting with professionals who are in the field they are considering, especially those who have a similar profile of strengths and weaknesses. This will help them assess how suited their specific strengths and weaknesses are with the demands of the job and will aid in identifying some strategies for compensating for their weaknesses. Internships and mentorships are ideal opportunities to practice compensation strategies while building on strengths, experience and expertise.

Case Studies

Jacob is a verbally gifted 2e student with nonverbal learning disability interested in becoming a social worker. He realizes that he may find meeting documentation requirements challenging due to executive functioning deficits, while also facing obstacles reading nuances in body language from colleagues and employers. On the other hand, his strengths in writing and verbal skills will help him to produce well-written progress notes and describe cases in detail. As is the case for any 2e student, expressing specific strengths to potential employers during and after the interview process is a critical skill for landing a good job. Twice-exceptional students have exceptional strengths and these can be a major attraction to employers. But prospective employers may not know what those are until the applicant articulates them in a clear and concise way, convincing the employer of their value. Jacob needs to sell his verbal and writing skills. At the same time, he should anticipate concerns about weaknesses and consider addressing them up front. If a prospective employer knows that Jacob has NVLD and what NVLD means, they might be concerned about Jacob’s organizational abilities. Jacob would be wise to highlight in the interview process that he worked on developing a unique filing system at his last job, and explain how this skill will help him be an effective social worker.

Neil is a brilliant mathematician and visual-spatial thinker with Asperger’s and ADHD. He struggled with attention and making friends in college, however he successfully identified a strong interest and talent in architecture. Neil knows that he will no longer have access to a note taker, extra-time on tests, and academic coaches to help him stay on task in the work world. Also, an understanding of business social skills will be critical for him to engage effectively with clients in this field. During his last two years of college, Neil decided to work with a therapist building business-savvy social skills. During the summer when he is interning at an architecture firm he intends to consult with a business organizational coach and mentor who understands some of the demands he is likely to face in an architecture career. When Neil interviews for full-time jobs after college he may request “reasonable accommodations” that will not create an excessive burden for the employer. These could include extra filing space, access to a computerized organizational system, and a co-worker to accompany Neil to organizational meetings and provide professional feedback, etc.

Caroline is a 2e student who is dyslexic and has ADHD. She wants to be a journalist. She hit some road-bumps along the way in college from her ADHD and as a result it took her 6 years to graduate. She’s decided she needs to address this up-front in her interviews by explaining that she has ADHD, what happened, and what she learned from it (e.g. how to be organized, how much she cares about learning). When she mentions her ADHD she intends to emphasize that she thinks it is part of the reason she is so creative as a journalist and point to examples of creative stories she has published. But she doesn’t think her dyslexia will negatively impact her future work because she knows to get her pieces edited for spelling and grammatical errors. So she’s not planning on mentioning that exceptionality.

Does Your 2e Learner Have to “Tell All?”

It depends. In an ideal, open-minded, accepting-of-neurodiversity world one would be up-front about such things. No one wants to end up in a position that’s a bad fit. On the other hand, although they legally cannot discriminate, prospective employers may be concerned about hiring someone who brings challenges along with them. Many people don’t know about twice-exceptionality and may not get that one can be gifted and have a disability. We recommend the student decide in advance how much information would be in their best interests to divulge. The decision of what to share may be influenced by how overt the student’s weaknesses are. If you can’t hide it, own it. The decision may be influenced by the culture in the specific career field or company. Technology firms and academia tend to be more open-minded to differently-wired people. Traditional businesses like manufacturing and law may be less so. Of course if the student does decide to share, thought should be given to how to frame such information in the most informative light.

When a 2e student is proactive in preparing for future employment during the college years, their chances of success are greatly improved. These steps can include: researching and selecting a career that fits well with their unique profile of strengths, challenges, and values; working to address organizational and “soft skills” deficits while still in college; and finally deciding what and how much to self-disclose. Although 2e young adults may face challenges adapting to the workforce, they can be proactive about creating strategies for overcoming these boundaries, especially if they start doing so during the college years.

Benjamin Meyer, LCSW is a bilingual psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy and coaching services to young adults with High-Functioning Autism and Nonverbal Learning Disorder post-college in New York City. Dr. Devon MacEachron, PhD is a psychologist with expertise in twice-exceptional learners who provides psychological assessment and educational planning services to children, young adults, and their families in New York City.

Works Cited

Cortiella, C. &. (2014). The State of Learning Disabilities: Facts Trends and Emerging Issues . New York, NY : The National Center for Learning Disabilities.

Are you familiar with the 5 stages of grief?

They describe the stages people go through when they learn they have a serious illness, or have lost a loved one, or have gotten divorced or broken up with a significant other. I find these stages helpful in understanding how parents may feel after their child receives a diagnosis of learning disability, ADHD, Asperger’s, and even giftedness.

For many parents there is a natural “mourning period” – a period of time in which they eventually let go of the image they may have harbored of a “perfect” child with idealized characteristics, and accept the child they have instead been given – for all his or her unique and wonderful differentness. It’s natural for parents to have expectations and dreams about the child they will have one day. And it’s natural to be shaken up when one’s expectations and dreams are threatened. That’s where grief can come in. Parents may go through “stages of grief” as they “mourn” the loss of the child they thought they’d have before accepting the child they do have.

Stage 1 is Denial. The first reaction for some is denial. This stage can serve the function of providing emotional protection from being overwhelmed with the idea all at once. Parents may believe the diagnosis is incorrect or mistaken, and try to cling to a false, preferable reality of a “perfect,” or “normal” child. Second opinions may be sought. Symptoms may be dismissed as “developmental” or attributed to generalities like “boys will be boys.” The assessment report might be filed in the wastebasket. Of course it is possible that the diagnosis is inaccurate, and parents should challenge it if it doesn’t seem right. But at some point – if the shoe fits – it is in the child’s best interest for parents to stop denying it. It is very important that the professional charged with first explaining the child’s profile to parents do so with empathy, recognizing and pointing out the child’s many strengths, and providing recommendations that address strengths as well as areas of weakness. No child should be defined entirely by weaknesses, deficits, or disabilities.

Stage 2 is Guilt. As the shock wears off, it may be replaced with pain and guilt. Parents may feel it is their “fault.” Mothers may wonder if it was that one glass of wine they had when they were pregnant. Should they have embraced a more structured parenting style and told their toddler “no” more often? Should they have used organic baby food? Should they have asked their future spouse for a genetic screening test before they accepted a proposal of marriage? I find the guilt stage to be particularly prevalent among mothers who work outside of the home.

Stage 3 is Anger. Some parents may become angry and frustrated, especially at proximate individuals like school staff, teachers, and spouses. They struggle with “Why my child? It’s not fair!”, “How could this happen?”, and “Who brought those genes into the family anyway?” They may go to war with their child’s school, focusing their anger on trying to get the services he or she needs. They may hire an advocate to accompany them into battle. Often this is a good thing and results in the child’s needs being met. But sometimes parents get stuck in this stage and spend years locked in battle. This may not be the most beneficial thing for the child, who is waiting in the sidelines for services, and can create a “battle zone” mentality which is not conducive to a happy home life. Marriages may suffer, especially if one spouse is in the anger stage while the other is still in denial or guilt.

Stage 4 is Depression. A period of sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness may come next. Parents may feel a sense of despair that their child might not be able to lead a normal life, go to college, find a partner, and have a successful career. Sleepless nights may ensue. Parents may isolate themselves from relationships with others (e.g. friends with children who appear to be thriving in school) who they feel can’t understand what they’re going through. This stage can be particularly difficult for parents who feel they are in it alone – single parents and those whose spouses do not “buy in” to the diagnosis and plan of action.

Stage 5 is Acceptance. Acceptance is the final or “goal” stage. Acceptance means that parents bury the expectation of the perfect, normal, idealized child (whatever that means) and accept the wonderful child that they have – in all his or her uniqueness. Acceptance means realizing: “It’s going to be okay;” and maybe even: “It’s going to be great!” Equanimity comes with acceptance. Equanimity involves the ability to be calm and maintain composure even in a difficult situation.

As the parent of two twice exceptional children with learning disabilities and ADHD I’ve been through these stages myself. Disbelief and denial that there could be anything “off” given how bright my children seemed. Guilt that maybe this wouldn’t have happened if I’d parented with more structure or had them assessed when they were younger. Anger that their schools seemed unwilling to address their disabilities or their giftedness. Isolation, sleepless nights. Friends and relatives who didn’t “get it.” And finally…acceptance. And pride and joy that my children are unique and fascinating individuals with strengths they probably would never have had if they weren’t wired differently.

I’m still working on the equanimity bit. Calm and composed? Too much to expect!

Many parents wonder if their child will grow out of the problems that plague them as a child: their dyslexia, math disability, writing challenges, weak executive function, ADHD, or Asperger’s. I’m asked this question quite often by successful adults who are initially surprised their children are struggling, but when interviewed carefully about their own early years admit to having experienced similar challenges. But now they are a successful adult, so they must have grown out of it. Right?

Not necessarily. The short answer to whether most children grow out of these challenges is: probably not. At least not completely. But the demands in the world around them (their day-to-day environment) do change, and as they move through school and career they can be more selective about the kinds of things they choose to do, electing to do things they’re good at and avoiding things they’re not. So their dyslexia or ADHD or Asperger’s might not negatively impact the quality of their life very much as an adult, and may even become an advantage. But they still have it.

Adults diagnosed with dyslexia as children, even if they benefit from years of reading and writing remediation, tend to remain poor spellers and slow readers. I see this every day in my dyslexic husband who reads one book to my ten, though we spend the same amount of time reading every day.

For ADHD, some of the research suggests that children with ADHD simply have delayed brain maturation (by 3-5 years), but that they will eventually catch up with their peers. Unfortunately this may not happen until well past puberty and into college. I get dozens of calls every year from families of college freshmen with ADHD who are spinning out of control in the area of executive function. I often feel that students with ADHD would benefit from being “redshirted” to give their frontal lobe a chance to catch up with their peers’. Redshirting is a practice used most often in athletics of postponing entrance into kindergarten of age-eligible children in order to allow extra time for physical growth, making the children bigger and stronger thus more competitive athletically than their grade-peers. But it would be hard to “redshirt” our ADHD children for 3-5 years!

Anyway, rather than completely growing out of it, it seems that most children with ADHD grow up into adults with ADHD. The American Academy of Family Physicians reports that two-thirds of children with ADHD continue to grapple with symptoms (at some level) throughout adulthood. Their symptoms may present significant challenges, or they may not – depending on the circumstances. Some adults with ADHD only demonstrate impairing symptoms when they are anxious or depressed. Or when they’re hurrying. Or when they have to work on a long-term project. Or when they haven’t been getting enough exercise lately.

The environment and the individual’s physical state are both critical factors determining whether symptoms will be problematic or not. This is true for other medical conditions as well. If you have Type-II diabetes how you eat influences whether your symptoms manifest and whether your condition will appear to be dormant or you will have to use insulin for treatment. Adults with ADHD can try to choose careers (environments) that are well-suited to their needs. I can’t imagine either of my own children functioning very effectively if they were required to sit quietly at a desk all day doing routine work. Fortunately, they’ve gravitated to the fast-changing worlds of tech and media start-ups. In these environments they find it easy to stay attentive and focused. They can get up and move around. And they’ve learned that they’re more focused when they take care of their physical states by exercising, meditating, getting enough sleep, and eating right.

Children with Asperger’s still retain autistic brain differences as adults and gravitate to professions that fit their profiles. Hans Asperger wrote: “We can see in the autistic person, far more clearly than with any normal child, a predestination for a particular profession from earliest youth. A particular line of work often grows naturally out of their special abilities.” The adult with Asperger’s working as a physics professor or in Silicon Valley may be perceived as eccentric, but not necessarily as having a “disability.” The right environment can bring out the best aspects of a unique profile and downplay the worst.
Even during the school years, a child’s symptoms may manifest differently depending on the demands of the environment. A dyslexic child may experience significant challenges in elementary school when they have to read written text, hand-write responses, and are marked off for spelling errors. But when they’re in high school and can listen to text through voice software, type responses, and use spell-check, things can get a lot easier. A child with a math disability who struggles to recall math facts and has slow math calculation fluency may have a lot of trouble in elementary school when math is mostly about arithmetic. But when they reach high school and college when it’s more about problem-solving and fluid reasoning, they may excel.

So, children don’t usually grow out of it, but they may not be troubled by the different way their brain is wired when the demands of the environment change. In fact, having a differently wired brain may confer distinct advantages.

Books like: The Dyslexic Advantage: Unlocking the Hidden Potential of the Dyslexic Brain by Dr.’s Brock and Fernette Eide; The ADHD Advantage: What You Thought Was a Diagnosis May Be Your Greatest Strength, by Dale Archer, M.D.; and The Way I See It: A Personal Look at Autism & Asperger’s by Temple Grandin, M.D. point out the advantages that being wired differently can confer. This is not just “feel-good” pop-science – there is some serious research uncovering real strengths in thinking associated with each of these diagnoses.

If orange is the new black, maybe having a “disability” is the new superpower.

Here’s the “prescription” I give the families I work with for the perfect summer: “Take two genuine interests, explore them thoroughly, and call me in September.”

When parents actively help their child explore their interests and delve deeply into their passions, everyone in the family ends up having a rewarding summer. Whether the passion is marine biology or engineering, art or writing, programs can be found or designed to address every child’s interests. For the parent whose child happens to be interested in something offered at a nearby summer camp, this can be easy to arrange. For the parent who lives far from such resources or for whom high program fees are prohibitive, or whose child has unusual interests, planning a summer of enrichment can be a bit more challenging. It is my view, though, that parents can give no greater gift than helping their child design and implement a summer of exploring their genuine interests, utilizing talents, accomplishing something of value, and building self-esteem.

Benefits of Engagement

The benefits for children of a summer engaged in enrichment in their interests are manifold: intellectual stimulation, increased motivation to achieve, enhanced marketability to colleges, the chance of finding passions or a future career, validation of self, increased self-esteem, increased happiness, and social connectedness.

Intellectually, students who work on something they are interested in at their pace of learning are stimulated at a level rarely possible during the school year. The opportunity to study something of intrinsic interest and challenge is the most thrilling intellectual experience possible. Kindling an intrinsic motivation can even lead to a transfer of motivation and stronger desire to achieve throughout the school year. Students can build a résumé showing the pursuit of interests and achievement, positioning the student well for college applications. Selective colleges are far more interested in applicants who have pursued their genuine interests over the years than in those who engage only in what is required and valued at school. Children may find their true calling in life by exploring their interests.

But perhaps the greatest benefit of an enrichment-focused summer is in the emotional area. By valuing our child’s interests, we show that we truly care about them for who they are, not who we think they should be. By taking their interests seriously, we validate their unique sense of self. Knowing that they have their parents’ support can give students a sense of security and help them become the person they really want to be. Furthermore, children who spend their summers pursuing personally meaningful goals are happier than children who just “hang out.” Children who pursue their interests during the summer often come into frequent contact with peers or mentors in their interest area. Relationships with others who share their interests can be deeply fulfilling in a way that interactions with school-year classmates and video-game buddies are not.

Tips for Parents

Summer is upon us. How can parents design an enrichment-focused summer for their child?

Begin with an assessment of your child’s genuine interests. In a non-judgmental way, directly ask what they want to learn more about, from anthropology to zoology, archery to yoga, animation to  film making. Making a broad list of different kinds of hobbies and fields of interest and discussing them with your child can be helpful. Reflect on how your child chooses to spend his or her free time, the books that absorb their interest, the kinds of exhibits that engage them in museums, and any other clues to what intrigues them. Even interests that on the surface don’t appear to lend themselves to productive enrichment can be turned in interesting directions. For example, if your daughter spends most of her free time on the phone with friends in conversations about their social relationships, recognize that this could be a clue that she may be good at and interested in helping people solve problems. Consider exposing her to psychology.

Once parents have a better understanding of their child’s interests, what next?

Embrace them. Don’t try to influence your child into pursuing something you consider to be more impressive, or something that you wish you could have done, but didn’t. Remember, it’s your child’s life, not yours.

Search for opportunities for your child to delve deeply into exploring their interests. Discourage your child from following friends to a camp that may interest the friends, but might not be a good fit for your child.

Don’t limit yourself to organized programs (although there are many terrific ones). Sometimes the best opportunities are the ones that the two of you initiate together.

Don’t be shy about asking experts for their advice. Most experts who have a consuming interest in something are flattered when they’re approached by a parent with a child who’s intrigued by it. I know of children who interned with a scientist and co-published articles in journals by the time they were out of middle school. Professional musicians can often recommend teachers, competitions, and music schools. Doctors, lawyers, and other professionals might allow your child to “job shadow” for a day.

Plan family vacations and day outings around your child’s interests. Paleontology fits with a trip to the Southwest to volunteer on a dinosaur dig. Engineering fits with outings to science museums and factory tours. Law fits with visits to courtrooms or state or federal legislatures.

Find books and do internet searches to learn more about your child’s interests. Discover topic-specific magazines, websites, podcasts, and YouTubes. Find out about lectures, conferences, webinars, and other special events.

Learn about local special interest clubs and organizations. Most communities have star watching groups, book groups, birding clubs, speech-making clubs, and other groups that offer events and information.

Be involved. Don’t just sign your child up. Accompany him or her to events. Help him practice his musical instrument. Read the books he or she is reading and discuss them over dinner. Studies repeatedly show that parental involvement is essential if children are to fully develop their potential.

If you follow this “prescription” for the perfect summer, your child will begin the school year with renewed energy, enthusiasm for learning, and one step closer to achieving the joy of true fulfillment. And you’ll have quite an interesting ride along the way!

Note: This article is an update of one I published in 2012 on the SENG  (Social and Emotional Needs of the Gifted) website: www.seng.org.

Brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.

As adults we respect and admire the accomplishments of renegades and creative minds like Leonardo da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Nikolai Tesla, Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Walt Disney, Vincent van Gogh, John Lennon, Steven Spielberg, and Robin Williams. They’re the inventors, imaginers, healers, explorers, creators, and inspirers who change the world. Without minds like theirs society would not move forward. We need them more than ever today.

But these very same individuals, as children, were the kinds of student teachers found most difficult, parents worried about and lost sleep over, and whose peers scorned or bullied them. Why? For the very same qualities that made them so successful as adults. Being different, rebelling against the status quo, refusing (or being constitutionally unable) to fit in, breaking or questioning the rules.

Most parents want their children to be happy, make friends, and do well in school and extracurricular activities like sports and music. Down the road they want them to get into a good college and launch a career that supports them and provides job satisfaction. Get married, have a family. Maybe they will even make a meaningful contribution to society.

But what many parents don’t realize or lose sight of in the trenches of elementary, middle, and high school is that for some children – especially twice-exceptional and gifted children – being “successful” in traditional ways as a child is not necessarily a good predictor of being successful as an adult.

I was guilty of this kind of myopic thinking as a parent myself, before an encounter made me rethink my values. My children were happy and had friends before formal schooling began, but once they started Kindergarten things began to go downhill. Teachers sent home notices about their behavior (inattentive, questioned authority, lacking focus, failed to complete assignments, etc.). Grades were spotty. Playdate invitations were less frequent than they would have liked. Uninterested in and not very good at organized sports, they were basically off the grid in terms of the kinds of extracurricular interests their peers were engaging in. The things they did like to do – building and taking things apart for my son and imagination and telling stories for my daughter – weren’t easily shared with peers and certainly didn’t give them any attention in the community. They were diagnosed with giftedness, learning disabilities, and ADHD, and I spent countless nights lying awake in bed worrying about their futures.

My “awakening” happened after an elementary school band concert when my then 4th grade daughter was called to the stage to play a clarinet solo she’d practiced for weeks in front of about 200 people. She stood there for a full minute rifling through her music and then said: “I’m afraid I forgot my sheet music for the piece I was supposed to play. So I think it’s appropriate under the circumstances to play “If I Only Had a Brain” by Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg.” I’m embarrassed to say now that I was mortified. I had hoped she’d play her piece brilliantly, reflecting glory on me as her proud parent. After the concert a man in front of me turned around and complimented her performance. I said, “Thank you – you’re too kind. It would have been nice if she had done the piece she practiced.” He responded: “You should be proud to have a daughter who can think on her feet, improvise, and deal creatively and with humor with the cards she’s been dealt. That’s much more important in the long run.” His words brought me up short.

I thought about it a lot. I realized I had wanted my child to excel in ways others in our community would judge to be impressive. How shallow of me! I had also been trying to shape her into some image in my mind of the “perfect” child. Top student, accomplished musician, popular, athletic. My own (questionable) values had gotten in the way of my appreciating my daughter for who she was and seeing the unique strengths she did possess. Inventive. Confident. Creative. Funny. Smart.

This was about the same time I went back to school for a PhD, so I was able to study motivation and achievement from a developmental perspective. I learned that the many of the attributes it takes to be a “successful” young student (compliance, diligence, eagerness to please, ability to memorize) are quite different from those required to be a successful older student and adult (challenging the status quo, intrinsic motivation, pursuit of one’s own interests, open-mindedness, a questioning mind). I also learned that individuals who pursue their genuine interests – and don’t let themselves be influenced by what everyone else is doing – are more successful as adults. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s thoughts on the joy of experiencing “flow” and how flow is also associated with achievement were particularly inspiring. I learned that popularity through high school is negatively correlated with achievement in most fields for girls. And, as students move through school the demands shift from more lower-level tasks like memorization of math facts and tidy handwriting to higher-level tasks like reading complex text and understanding it. Thomas West’s ground-breaking book In the Mind’s Eye (1997) about creativity in visual thinkers was the first to get me thinking about the possibility that even having a “disability” could confer certain advantages. Now I’m a firm believer that being wired differently can enable certain “superpowers” that most people can’t tap into in the same way.

Children who are “different” have enormous potential. As parents, we should try to keep the long-view in sight. Applaud and develop our children’s individuality. Encourage their pursuit of unusual interests and passions. Let them know we value them the way they are, and don’t want them to try to be like everyone else. It may take courage, but the results are worth it. Our misfits, rebels, trouble-makers, and square pegs in round holes may be the ones who change the world.

Does your bright child, despite all she has going for her, seem anxious or depressed or both? Do you lay awake at night worrying about her? Is she acting up or turning inward? What happened to the happy childhood you dreamed of for your child?

Being twice-exceptional often carries a strong emotional burden – for both child and parent.

Chloe was a happy, creative, outgoing, fun, little girl as a toddler and through preschool. She was fascinated by nature and science, highly verbal, organized gangs of children to play parts in elaborate role-playing games she created, and was so well-liked that every child thought she was their best friend. True – she was highly sensitive, a bit too energetic, and demanded a lot of attention. But, a phrase her parents chose to describe Chloe at age five was: “a child who sees the glass as neither half-full nor full, but rather as brimming over.” A true optimist with a rosy outlook on life.

Things began to change in first grade. Her teachers noticed she wasn’t learning to read as fast as the other children. She had trouble sitting still in class. Math facts went in one ear and out the other. Because she was so sensitive, Chloe grew hyperaware of these deficiencies. By the time her parents took her for a neuropsych assessment at age 7 she was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder in addition to dyslexia, ADHD, and giftedness. She was placed in special ed. She grew withdrawn and depressed.

Eventually, as Chloe’s challenges were addressed and her strengths reinforced in ways appropriate for a twice-exceptional learner, there were times when she could be described as happy. Especially over the summers when she could pursue her interests at gifted and other summer programs. But so many forces worked against her during the school year that she ended up in therapy and ultimately on antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds by high school.

An interesting question to ask is how much of this anxiety and depression was caused by her twice-exceptionality, and how much would have existed anyway. She might have had a genetic predisposition that would have pushed her that direction regardless of her struggles. But one thing we do know about genetic predispositions is that they must interact with factors or triggers in the environment to be expressed. Being just gifted or just having ADHD or just having dyslexia might have been enough to trigger the expression of a genetic predisposition. However being twice exceptional adds an extra burden that may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back for Chloe. Students who are twice exceptional often hold themselves to high performance expectations, fear failing to meet them, and develop low self-esteem (SENG article).

What are 5 things parents can do to support their anxious or depressed twice-exceptional child?

  1. Understand what your child is dealing with in all areas of exceptionality – the gifted/strengths side and the disability/weaknesses side. This may necessitate a neuropsych assessment. Share understanding with your child in age-appropriate terms. Let your child know they are really smart, they just have a few areas of challenge that need to be worked with. Knowing when your child can’t do something as opposed to won’t may help you to be more supportive at homework and report card time.
  2. Address areas of challenge. Try to fix what you can (the brain can be rewired to a certain extent), remediate learning challenges, let your child learn the way he/she learns best (e.g. viewing videos or listening to read-alouds), find tutors, seek support at school, consider homeschooling, find work-arounds to problems as they crop up (e.g. sitting on a bouncing ball if fidgety while doing homework). Ignoring challenges in the hope they will go away is rarely an effective strategy.
  3. Reinforce strengths and interests. This should probably be listed as the number one most important step to take, and is too often overlooked. Chloe wasn’t anxious when she could pursue what she was interested in and was good at. It was only constantly being required to do things she wasn’t good at in school that created stress and self-doubt. Encourage your twice exceptional child in the pursuit of his or her genuine interests and they will develop a protective core of self-confidence.
  4. Learn about anxiety and depression, especially in twice-exceptional learners. There are many excellent articles about anxiety and depression in twice-exceptional and gifted students on the Hoagies, Social and Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG) and Association for the Education of Gifted Underachieving Students (AEGUS) websites.
  5. Take care of yourself. Parenting a twice-exceptional child is exhausting, frustrating, and can feel like a full-time job. Take breaks, take vacations, get therapy for yourself, do some marriage counseling if you and your spouse are not on the same page, meditate, exercise, take a class in something you enjoy. If you feel guilty doing things for yourself, know that a depressed and anxious parent is a risk factor contributing further to anxiety and depression in the children they parent.

And remember that the biggest predictor of success in a child with an exceptionality like Chloe is a parent who believes in them – who stands by them and picks them up when they fall. That’s really what parenting is all about anyway, isn’t it?

Back in the last century and through the early 1900’s researchers operated under the assumption that intelligence was a uni-dimensional construct. You were either smart, or you weren’t. And how smart you were could be measured with one test resulting in one number: IQ.

In the 1970’s a shift began away from the IQ construct. Gardener argued in his Theory of Multiple Intelligences that there were up to ten kinds of ability: musical-rhythmic, visual-spatial, verbal-linguistic, logical-mathematical, bodily-kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalistic, existential, and moral. Sternberg proposed practical, creative, and analytical intelligences. Daniel Goleman popularized the notion of emotional intelligence, or EQ. While these theories add considerably to our understanding of broader abilities and what it takes to be a happy and successful person, I’d like to focus in this blog on the kinds of mental abilities required to reason, solve problems, think abstractly, and comprehend complex ideas. What I’d call “intellectual abilities.”

Research has advanced to the point where we probably know more about the underlying cognitive and brain processes involved in mental abilities and intelligence than any other complex psychological construct. Click here for more information on this concept. The consensus is that the most useful and descriptive model of intelligences is the Cattell-Horn-Carroll (CHC) Model. This model has become so prevalent that nearly all modern IQ tests have been changed to incorporate the theory as their foundation.

I find the CHC model to be a very useful framework for understanding individual student’s ability profiles and how they impact learning –how they are intelligent.

The CHC model identifies over 80 different cognitive abilities. About 30-40 of these are important in school learning and achievement. The others, like “musical discrimination and judgment,” aren’t as directly related to academic achievement.

It is a fact that most of us have uneven profiles of strengths and weaknesses across these 30-40 abilities. Let me illustrate the concept. But instead of showing all 30-40 school-related abilities, I’ll illustrate the point with 11 of the more important ones (e.g. verbal reasoning, listening ability, inductive and deductive reasoning, aspects of memory,  processing speed).

The stereotype of a highly intelligent, gifted child is that they are good at everything. If they were, one would expect to see a profile like the graph below – all abilities would be in the highest ranges.

I rarely see a uniform profile like this, even among highly and profoundly gifted learners. Most gifted students are not equally gifted at everything. They may have some abilities in the average range and even some in the well below-average ranges.

The flip side of the gifted stereotype is the learning disabled stereotype. This stereotype holds that students with learning disabilities are bad at everything academic/intellectual. A student who is weak in all of the cognitive ability areas contributing to academic learning would be expected to have a flat profile with low scores in all areas.

I have never seen a student with learning disabilities with a flat profile like this. Students with learning disabilities, by definition, have areas of cognitive strength. They are not bad at everything. But when I ask students who are having difficulty at school what they think their profile looks like, many think it looks like the graph above. They’ve lost sight of their strengths (if they ever knew they had them). They tend to think they’re “bad at school” and maybe even “not too smart.”

In reality, very few people are good at everything or bad at everything. Most of us have uneven profiles with strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others – more like the chart below. Terms like “gifted” and “learning disabled” are too vague to describe these variations. Gifted at what ability? How gifted in that specific ability area? Learning disabled at what? How learning disabled in that specific ability area?

From a practical standpoint what’s important is to understand where the student’s strengths and weaknesses are, and how to work with them. How they’re intelligent.

Recently I worked with a boy whose parents and teachers felt he was not achieving his potential in school, and wondered if he might have ADHD or a learning disability. Zack was a hard-working and motivated student who was engaged in class, diligently turned in his homework, and studied hard for tests. He tended to get great marks during the semester but couldn’t seem to break a “C” on tests and exams. My assessment ascertained that he didn’t have ADHD or a learning disability, and he had a nice solid IQ at the 90th percentile. But he had a surprising weakness in long-term auditory memory. This explained his underperformance – he wasn’t consolidating learning efficiently into long-term memory so he couldn’t efficiently retrieve what he had learned for tests and exams. The good news for Zack and his family was that this is quite fixable. One can get better at memorizing and storing information. We came up with a tutoring plan to build his ability utilizing his stronger visual memory and fluid reasoning.

An understanding of how the student is intelligent can be helpful to any child (like Zack, who it turned out was neither learning disabled nor gifted, but had an area of weakness that needed to be addressed). But it is especially important for twice-exceptional learners. The discrepancies between the twice-exceptional student’s strengths and weaknesses are more extreme than they are for most people. This unevenness of abilities causes considerable frustration. A 2E student may have very strong vocabulary and verbal reasoning, and excellent listening ability and fluid reasoning (inductive and deductive thinking), but their weaknesses in ability areas like phonetic coding and naming speed may severely inhibit their ability to read and demonstrate what they know in writing. In other words, they may be dyslexic. Or they may have extremely high quantitative reasoning and visual spatial ability yet be unable to reliably process information quickly and efficiently due to slow processing speed. An in-depth assessment of cognitive strengths and weaknesses is a very important step in figuring out how to help such students achieve their considerable potential.