I was asked to write an article for the December, 2017 issue of the 2e Twice Exceptional Newsletter, a bi-monthly subscription ($35/year) online newsletter for “those who raise, educate, and counsel high-ability (gifted) children who also have learning challenges.” It's a wonderful publication and one I recommend for everyone who lives and breathes 2e. As the focus of the December issue was on relationships, they asked me to write about the importance of the student/teacher relationship, and what might be done to try to facilitate the development of positive ones. My article, in full, can be found here: 2E Newsletter Student Teacher Relationship Article.
But let me summarize a few key points as we head into a new semester.
Positive student-teacher relationships are important to virtually all students. But they are especially important for students who are “at risk.” And twice exceptional learners are at risk for underachievement, boredom, bullying, anxiety, depression, social disconnectedness, being misunderstood, and are prone to daily frustration. A good school year can be “made” by a relationship with a teacher who appears to like and bond with the student. A bad year can be “made” by a teacher who doesn’t. Strong student-teacher relationships can increase student motivation, grades, social outcomes, and emotional well-being at every stage in the student’s development, from early elementary school through college and graduate school. Clearly, they're important.
Here are some things parents and students can each do to try to facilitate them.
Steps Parents can Take:
• Teach your child to be his or her own advocate. For obvious reasons (power differential, age difference) parents often need to take on the role of advocate for their child in school. However to the extent that the student can advocate for his or herself, it can be particularly effective. Teachers tend to be more open to requests and concerns expressed by students (and can be somewhat wary or skeptical of what they perceive as “helicopter” parenting).
• Teach your child social skills helpful in developing sound relationships with all people, including teachers (e.g., listening, turn-taking, conversational give-and-take, respect, complimenting others).
• Ask for a meeting to provide a “heads up” about your child. Explain their strengths and weaknesses, susceptibilities and personality. Ask for help addressing both exceptionalities – your child’s strengths and areas of weakness.
• Check in on a regular (but not excessive) basis to see how things are going and ask what you can do on your end to help. Perhaps you can reinforce desired behaviors at home (e.g., waiting before blurting out an answer).
• Be a squeaky wheel – but a polite one. The squeaky wheel often does “get the grease.” Don’t hesitate to be direct about asking the teacher to meet your child’s needs. Stay on top of what’s going on in the classroom. But try to be polite and collaborative. A teacher may make more of an effort for a family they like.
• If things go wrong - your child comes home in tears or the teacher sends home behavioral warnings on a daily basis - it’s time to take action. Ask for a meeting with the teacher first. Go with an open mind. Listen, take notes. Patiently explain what you think may be happening from your child’s perspective. Try not to be too defensive. Suggest strategies that may be effective. If things don’t improve, then enlist the help of the principal, school psychologist, or an outside consultant.
Steps Students can Take:
• The more mature student can work deliberately on personal and advocacy skills conducive to developing good student-teacher relations, but even young children can learn helpful strategies.
• Make efforts to establish a personal relationship with your teacher. Ask if you can meet one-on-one so you can get to know each another. Talk about your needs. Stay after class to chat for a few minutes. Go to office hours. Share your interests and successes outside of school with your teacher. The better your teacher knows you and understands the person you are and the person you want to be, the more likely and better able he or she will be to help you toward your goals.
• Show appreciation by thanking your teacher for a lesson you enjoyed, for their feedback on a paper you wrote, or for the way they made a topic come alive for you. Positive feedback makes people feel warmly toward the person giving it.
• Show respect. Be polite. Try to listen and not talk to peers when the teacher is talking. Say “please” and “thank you.” If you feel that instruction is pointless or boring, explain this privately to the teacher rather than as an aside to your classmates.
• Ask for and accept help. Let your teacher know when you don’t understand something. Or when you already know the material and need something different or more advanced.
• Try to be patient, but also (politely) persistent in asking for the additional help, clarification or any accommodation you may need.
A good relationship with even one caring teacher can literally change a student’s life. We shouldn’t rely on chance and hope that such a relationship will develop spontaneously, but rather can try to set the stage and take proactive steps to try to help it happen.